Archive for cats

On Waking the Staff

Posted in cats with tags on February 7, 2010 by hergracethecat

There are certain advantages to having humans as one’s staff. They’re simple creatures, not too smart but useful – especially for opening doors and tuna cans.

Most of all, they are easily managed by cuteness.

They do have some strange habits, however. None more so than that of staying awake all day and sleeping half the night. They’re also slow to wake, and left to themselves the lazy creatures are apt to sleep until dawn.

Of course there are many proven methods of waking them up, including loud meows, walking on them and knocking things off the dresser.

However, I find mixed stimuli to work best. The combinaton of a loud purr, jumping on the bed and flashing the bedside lights works well. While it’s difficult to control most lights with paws I find that the touch-sensitive types are easily controlled by licking. This also produces a rather pleasant tingling of one’s tongue.

Sort of a multimedia wake up call. The sort of thing that even a teenager would have trouble sleeping through.

Most of all, it’s important to be persistent. Remember, there’s no snooze bar on a cat who wants breakfast!


Just say “meow”

Posted in cats with tags on February 3, 2010 by hergracethecat

We often hear the staff say something like “if only cats could talk”. Of course it’s quite presumptuous (and typically human) of them to assume that we can’t. Or would wish to, when we have better methods of communicating.

Talking, after all, just leads to argument. Consider the unwise cat who simply says “give me more food”. Quite staightforward, but the human who should be providing the food is apt to argue, saying silly things like “but your dish is half full”. 1

Which leads to “but it’s half empty, you twit” and similar arguments which generally fail to educate the human and don’t contribute to the important goal of getting more food.

It’s much better not to tax their brains.

The wiser cat just says “meow” while staring at the food dish. The staff will figure it out soon enough, and be rewarded by feeling a sense of accomplishment for doing so.

Best of all they’ll be so busy patting themselves on the back for figuring out what’s needed they won’t think of arguing about the urgent need for more food.

So just meow and stare. Repeat as needed.

Of course it’s important to occasionally meow at random, or stare at a random object (or even better, nothing at all). Must keep then guessing, after all.

1 Or “the dish is bigger than it needs to be” from the one who calls himself an engineer but has never been seen driving a train.